Trustee Week to Follow Homecoming Snaffu

This week marks that special time when seminary trustees grace the NOBTS campus with their presence. This week, however, all is not well after a major public relations snaffu at the Southern Baptist institution.

Last week New Orleans Seminary celebrated its birthday with a grand homecoming celebration for alumni and current students alike. The snaffu came when campus police were forced to refuse admittance to a group of people.

Mr. William Gaither and his homecoming friends showd up at Leavell Chapel Thursday evening only to find out they were not on the ticket. "We showed up to record our NOBTS Homecoming project," said an exasperated Gaither, "but campus police kept telling us we were mistaken." "I think I'd know if Bill was mistaken," Mrs. Gloria Gaither replied to a question about her husband's schedule.

Seminary President Chuck Kelley to be unaware of how the Gaithers could have confused NOBTS Homecoming for a concert. "Well, yes, we did have a concert," said Dr. Kelley, referring to the Thursday evening concert, "but that was a free concert performed by our students. We did however invite Mr. Gaither and his friends to enjoy a complimentary plate of red beans and rice.

NOBTS Trustees this week intend to look into possible causes for this major blunder.

Results of Latest Leavell Center Survey Released

New Orleans, August 16, 2007

Each year, new incoming students at the New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary are treated to one of the most impactful days of their seminary careers - Orientation. For some, it is a brand new experience. For others, it's just another day freezing to death in a large church-like building. But for the rare few, it is a chance to hear the latest update on everyone's favorite survey data: 80% of Baptist churches are potbellied and reclining.

Long thought to be a problem for other denominations in which one's vices are less controlled, the potbelly, some times known as the "beer belly" or "the keg," is rapidly overtaking Baptists at an alarming rate. Just three years ago, this number was at only 70%. One of the leading causes of the potbelly is kicking back in the favorite chair and watching NASCAR for three hours on Sunday afternoons.

"The Bible says I should rest on Sundays," explained one church goer. "If it was good enough for God, then it's good enough for me."

Among the more viable solutions presented to combat the potbellying and reclining was to remove pews from Baptist churches and have members stand during services. "Not only would this help solve the reclining problem," said one Mississippi pastor, "but it means more people will be awake for my sermons."

The Leavell Center for Evangelism and Church Health conducts many surveys each year. Dr. David Meacham, one of the Center's staffers, was not available for comment as he was not contacted concerning this article.

Goatkeeper News Release and some "history"

NEW ORLEANS – “The Goatkeeper” has announced plans to continue the weekly satire publication known as “The Goatkeeper.” Back by popular demand, The Goatkeeper is a weekly newsletter exploring made-up news stories and articles from the campus of New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary in New Orleans, Louisiana.

The roots of The Goatkeeper go back longer than history can remember. It is reported that there was such a newsletter as early as the 1970s, but this fact can not been proven. Several professors and long-time students remember a The Goatkeeper series in the early or mid 1990s, though no one has been able to produce any back issues.

Perhaps the greatest era of The Goatkeeper history was in the Fall of 2003 when an anonymous student or group of students (no one has ever admitted to it) produced eleven issues of tongue-in-cheek, laugh-out-loud-as-you-read newsletters over the course of thirteen weeks. Issues were available on the campus of NOBTS as well as through an electronic format known as a website.

Unfortunately, the anonymous creator(s) of the 2003 The Goatkeeper ceased their sarcasm- and satire-filled writings with the advent of the spring semester in 2004. Another writer resumed publication with a hype-filled website, but only one and a half issues were ever produced in 2004’s spring semester.

NOBTS alum Bill E. Goat provided a wealth of humor and introspection to The Goatkeeper as the fall 2004 semester began. Goat served as the writer, editor, graphic artist, copy editor, caterer, web designer, and CEO of The Goatkeeper. According to BIll, his only reason for producing this newsletter was “for the money.” He had hopes to get extremely rich and famous through this publication in order that he could afford to live in the Courtyard Apartments which opened in the spring of 2005. Bill never lived in the Courtyards.

The current iteration of The Goatkeeper is decidedly old-school, primarily in its anonymous nature. In fact, anonymity is pretty much the only way in which it will resemble previous Goatkeepers. The current Goatkeeper can be found primarily in two locations – www.goatkeeper.blogspot.com and www.myspace.com/thegoatkeeper.

The current Goatkeeper writers and staff are not particularly skilled, and as such make no promises as to the quality of the articles or any part of The Goatkeeper. However, the normal dose of chapel speakers, made-up names, and outstanding graphics may possibly be available in each new issue. The website will continue to contain the much-expected low-quality design introduced nearly one year ago, which was created by an unknown, low-paid web designer.

Those interested in submitting material to The Goatkeeper are encouraged to do so via email (thegoatkeeper@gmail.com), though no guarantee can be made as to the fate of such submissions.

from the archives - NOBTS Campus News - January 24, 2007

Recently, NOBTS students began noticing some new fixtures around campus - speed "bumps." According to Hal Sing, Director of Campus Operations, the new "bumps" are intended to promote safer driving on the seminary campus.
Students, however, are not pleased.
"These new speed 'bumps' are ridiculous," railed one unnamed student. "It's one thing to install speed bumps. It's another thing entirely to install speed 'mountains.' I ran out of gas trying to get over one."
Speed mountains indeed. GoatKeeper researchers confirmed that the new Seminary speed bumps are now the highest spots in the city of New Orleans. Higher even than Monkey Hill.
Seminary officials insist that the speed bumps are intended to promote safety on the campus, even while watching as car after car swerves over bushes and curbs to avoid the "mountains."

GK

from the archives - New Course Offerings at NOBTS - January 23, 2007

New Orleans - In an effort to meet students "where they're at," officials at the New Orleans Seminary have made several curriculum changes for the spring semester.
"We feel it's important to be relevant socially as well as theologically," said seminary spokesperson P.R. Mann.
Among the new course offerings are classes such as: Interoffice Relationship Skills: Pam or Karen? Make up your mind Jim!, 24: The Theology of Jack Bauer, and NOBTS Idol.
Mrs. Mann also announced big news for May's Red Carpet Week. The course all of seminary has been waiting for -- The Apprentice: NOBTS. Following this blockbuster is Survivor: Social Ministry of the Fittest.

GK

from the archives - New for Spring Semester 2007 -- Yayhoo Sports Fantasy Chapel Leagues - November 27, 2006

Fantasy leagues are no longer restricted to football and baseball. Be among the first to start your own Chapel Fantasy League. Choose your players well, and you could be the next Fantasy Chapel Souper Bowl Champion.
Build your team around your Guest Speaker, add a Master's prof, a Leavell prof, and let your worship leader clean up house.
Who will be the number one pick? Will it be the seminary president? Maybe the SBC president? Will you risk your season on the NAMB speaker, or will you break the bank on a heavy hitter like the LifeWay speaker?
Score points on lengths of sermon, style, spitting distance, attendance, volume level. Extra points if your speaker is done by 11:30.
League play is Tuesday through Thursday 11:00 am-12:00 pm. No changes to rosters after start of first chapel each week. Attendance at chapel is not required, but is encouraged. Pack a pew and help your team out!

gk

from the archives - NOBTS Campus News - November 8, 2006

Although a bit late for Halloween, NOBTS is finally reopening the doors of it's very own haunted house. As of this weekend Scarey Hall will be open for business.
"We're a bit behind schedule, and we missed Halloween," said Director of Operations Hal Loween, "But we're just happy to have our main attraction open again."
Apparently, Scarey Hall is a major source of income for the Baptist Seminary. Female students pay to live in the haunted house at exorbitant rates -- rates which seem less scary only when compared to the outrageous rates at the very un-haunted Courtyard apartments.
Male students at NOBTS claim to have seen monsters and other beasts entering and exiting Scarey Hall prior to the closing due to Hurricane Katrina. "I just hope they close the Scarey part of Scarey Hall after Halloween season," said one student, "It's just downright terrifying."

GK