Results of Latest Leavell Center Survey Released

New Orleans, August 16, 2007

Each year, new incoming students at the New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary are treated to one of the most impactful days of their seminary careers - Orientation. For some, it is a brand new experience. For others, it's just another day freezing to death in a large church-like building. But for the rare few, it is a chance to hear the latest update on everyone's favorite survey data: 80% of Baptist churches are potbellied and reclining.

Long thought to be a problem for other denominations in which one's vices are less controlled, the potbelly, some times known as the "beer belly" or "the keg," is rapidly overtaking Baptists at an alarming rate. Just three years ago, this number was at only 70%. One of the leading causes of the potbelly is kicking back in the favorite chair and watching NASCAR for three hours on Sunday afternoons.

"The Bible says I should rest on Sundays," explained one church goer. "If it was good enough for God, then it's good enough for me."

Among the more viable solutions presented to combat the potbellying and reclining was to remove pews from Baptist churches and have members stand during services. "Not only would this help solve the reclining problem," said one Mississippi pastor, "but it means more people will be awake for my sermons."

The Leavell Center for Evangelism and Church Health conducts many surveys each year. Dr. David Meacham, one of the Center's staffers, was not available for comment as he was not contacted concerning this article.

Goatkeeper News Release and some "history"

NEW ORLEANS – “The Goatkeeper” has announced plans to continue the weekly satire publication known as “The Goatkeeper.” Back by popular demand, The Goatkeeper is a weekly newsletter exploring made-up news stories and articles from the campus of New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary in New Orleans, Louisiana.

The roots of The Goatkeeper go back longer than history can remember. It is reported that there was such a newsletter as early as the 1970s, but this fact can not been proven. Several professors and long-time students remember a The Goatkeeper series in the early or mid 1990s, though no one has been able to produce any back issues.

Perhaps the greatest era of The Goatkeeper history was in the Fall of 2003 when an anonymous student or group of students (no one has ever admitted to it) produced eleven issues of tongue-in-cheek, laugh-out-loud-as-you-read newsletters over the course of thirteen weeks. Issues were available on the campus of NOBTS as well as through an electronic format known as a website.

Unfortunately, the anonymous creator(s) of the 2003 The Goatkeeper ceased their sarcasm- and satire-filled writings with the advent of the spring semester in 2004. Another writer resumed publication with a hype-filled website, but only one and a half issues were ever produced in 2004’s spring semester.

NOBTS alum Bill E. Goat provided a wealth of humor and introspection to The Goatkeeper as the fall 2004 semester began. Goat served as the writer, editor, graphic artist, copy editor, caterer, web designer, and CEO of The Goatkeeper. According to BIll, his only reason for producing this newsletter was “for the money.” He had hopes to get extremely rich and famous through this publication in order that he could afford to live in the Courtyard Apartments which opened in the spring of 2005. Bill never lived in the Courtyards.

The current iteration of The Goatkeeper is decidedly old-school, primarily in its anonymous nature. In fact, anonymity is pretty much the only way in which it will resemble previous Goatkeepers. The current Goatkeeper can be found primarily in two locations – www.goatkeeper.blogspot.com and www.myspace.com/thegoatkeeper.

The current Goatkeeper writers and staff are not particularly skilled, and as such make no promises as to the quality of the articles or any part of The Goatkeeper. However, the normal dose of chapel speakers, made-up names, and outstanding graphics may possibly be available in each new issue. The website will continue to contain the much-expected low-quality design introduced nearly one year ago, which was created by an unknown, low-paid web designer.

Those interested in submitting material to The Goatkeeper are encouraged to do so via email (thegoatkeeper@gmail.com), though no guarantee can be made as to the fate of such submissions.

from the archives - NOBTS Campus News - January 24, 2007

Recently, NOBTS students began noticing some new fixtures around campus - speed "bumps." According to Hal Sing, Director of Campus Operations, the new "bumps" are intended to promote safer driving on the seminary campus.
Students, however, are not pleased.
"These new speed 'bumps' are ridiculous," railed one unnamed student. "It's one thing to install speed bumps. It's another thing entirely to install speed 'mountains.' I ran out of gas trying to get over one."
Speed mountains indeed. GoatKeeper researchers confirmed that the new Seminary speed bumps are now the highest spots in the city of New Orleans. Higher even than Monkey Hill.
Seminary officials insist that the speed bumps are intended to promote safety on the campus, even while watching as car after car swerves over bushes and curbs to avoid the "mountains."

GK

from the archives - New Course Offerings at NOBTS - January 23, 2007

New Orleans - In an effort to meet students "where they're at," officials at the New Orleans Seminary have made several curriculum changes for the spring semester.
"We feel it's important to be relevant socially as well as theologically," said seminary spokesperson P.R. Mann.
Among the new course offerings are classes such as: Interoffice Relationship Skills: Pam or Karen? Make up your mind Jim!, 24: The Theology of Jack Bauer, and NOBTS Idol.
Mrs. Mann also announced big news for May's Red Carpet Week. The course all of seminary has been waiting for -- The Apprentice: NOBTS. Following this blockbuster is Survivor: Social Ministry of the Fittest.

GK

from the archives - New for Spring Semester 2007 -- Yayhoo Sports Fantasy Chapel Leagues - November 27, 2006

Fantasy leagues are no longer restricted to football and baseball. Be among the first to start your own Chapel Fantasy League. Choose your players well, and you could be the next Fantasy Chapel Souper Bowl Champion.
Build your team around your Guest Speaker, add a Master's prof, a Leavell prof, and let your worship leader clean up house.
Who will be the number one pick? Will it be the seminary president? Maybe the SBC president? Will you risk your season on the NAMB speaker, or will you break the bank on a heavy hitter like the LifeWay speaker?
Score points on lengths of sermon, style, spitting distance, attendance, volume level. Extra points if your speaker is done by 11:30.
League play is Tuesday through Thursday 11:00 am-12:00 pm. No changes to rosters after start of first chapel each week. Attendance at chapel is not required, but is encouraged. Pack a pew and help your team out!

gk

from the archives - NOBTS Campus News - November 8, 2006

Although a bit late for Halloween, NOBTS is finally reopening the doors of it's very own haunted house. As of this weekend Scarey Hall will be open for business.
"We're a bit behind schedule, and we missed Halloween," said Director of Operations Hal Loween, "But we're just happy to have our main attraction open again."
Apparently, Scarey Hall is a major source of income for the Baptist Seminary. Female students pay to live in the haunted house at exorbitant rates -- rates which seem less scary only when compared to the outrageous rates at the very un-haunted Courtyard apartments.
Male students at NOBTS claim to have seen monsters and other beasts entering and exiting Scarey Hall prior to the closing due to Hurricane Katrina. "I just hope they close the Scarey part of Scarey Hall after Halloween season," said one student, "It's just downright terrifying."

GK

from the archives - New Addition to Chapel - October 30, 2006

The New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary has recently decided to make full use of their chapel facilities. The left and right balconies will now be used to to store meat.

Said Dr. Sir Loin Chuck, "We already keep it cold enough to store meat in Leavell Chapel, why not use some of the unused space to keep our meat fresh."

According to Dr. Chuck this change would also free up space in the cafeteria refridgerators for more red beans, rice and french fries.

Berger Pattie, an NOBTS student had this to say, "Why meat? Popsicles would be better; then we could grab a snack when chapel speakers run-over into our lunch time."

GK

from the archives - News from Trustee Week - October 20, 2006

After a week of heated debate, NOBTS trustees announced Wednesday to ban private prayer at the seminary.

"There has been so much discussion and strife over the issue of private prayer language that we though it would be better just to discourage private prayer all together," said trustee Don T. Preighatall.

According to new guidelines, seminary students will only be allowed to pray in public, thereby ending any chance for private prayer language. Private prayer language, also known as "speaking in tongues" has been all the rage recently in Baptist circles, making its presence felt even in NAMB and IMB trustee meetings.

Said one NOBTS student, "I just don't see what all the fuss is about. Speaking in tongues doesn't have any impact on salvation."

In response, seminary spokespeople said, "No, tongues doesn't affect salvation, but it does affect whether or not one is Southern Baptist. We will take whatever steps necessary to wipe out this scourge from the SBC."

GK

from the archives - New Single Student Housing Open! - September 26, 2006

Much to the delight of single seminary students, the New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary has finally opened the doors of its newest single student housing facility. Unofficially dubbed "The Palace," the Price Center features such ammenities as exclusive double beds, easy access to friends, spacious restrooms, drive-up access, and walking distance access to the Seminary.
Speaking on behalf of the seminary, operations director Hal Sing had this to say, "We're so glad finally to be able to offer such luxurious housing to our single students. What makes this even more special is that we are able to offer these quarters at the price of a semi-private dormitory room."
Asked about students not living in The Price Palace, Mr. Sing responded, "Well, not everybody can be so fortunate. I suppose the students living in the Courtyard Apartments will just have to make do with their couches, "twin" beds, kitchens, refridgerators, and cable TV. It's not like we are going to charge them any more money to live there than we told them a month ago."

GK

from the archives - encroachment - september 16, 2006

"I just never thought I'd see the day."

That was the first thought expressed by B.A. Chelors, a student at Leavell College upon the realization that Seminary classes are taking place in what was once thought to be a "safe haven" for Leavell College students.

Said another student, "Don't they have enough room? I mean, don't they have like two whole buildings to call their own? Why do they need to be taking up classrooms in OUR building?"

For those not in the "loop," Leavell College is the college of undergraduate studies at New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary. Leavell College has its offices in the Mary Hardin Student Center, which is also where most of the Leavell College classes meet. Leavell College music students have their classes in the Sellars Music Building. Seminary students generally call Bunyan, Dodd, Sellars, and certain parts of HSC "home." Seminary students even seem to think Leavell Chapel is theirs, too.

LC student Bac Min had this to say, "I don't want to sound like a grouch, but is it too much to ask to have just a little bit of the campus to call our own? Every where I go, I see 'Seminary-this,' or 'Seminary-that.' It seems to be all about 'The Seminary.' Even our student ID's say 'New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary.' Sometimes, it's like we don't even exist.

"Of course it would seem like we own the place," replied MDiv student G.R. Aduate, "We do own it. There's a reason it's called a Seminary." Another seminary student was dumfounded, "I didn't even know we had a bachelor's program. I figured all those peole were faculty kids."

Seminary administration had no comment on the situation.

GK